What a gorgeous California day it is here today! I'm looking out my bedroom window at the blooming peach tree, pink blossoms waving softly against the light blue sky and suddenly the frustration of my morning doesn't seem quite so overwhelming. The cats are sitting with me on the bed, alternating between grooming themselves and sleeping. Pandora is playing soft worship music on my phone and I take a deep sigh of contentment. Odd, in contrast to my morale just a few minutes ago.
I opened the laptop a bundle of frustration. Sunday and Monday I felt SO sick! I was really queasy, and exhausted. Nothing sounded good, and when I did eat, my stomach let me know it was NOT happy with that idea! I made it to church, but as soon as that was over, I went straight to bed and slept for hours. Monday, I was really concerned about how I was going to make it through Monkey Business, the support group the kids go to in Turlock after school on Mondays. I was so tired and when three o'clock rolled around and it was time to walk the entire three blocks to the school to pick up the kids, I wasn't sure how exactly I was going to manage that. One step in front of the other, I made it, and then Pam S. came to pick us up and drove us to Turlock (HUGE thank you, Pam, for taking time out of your day for us). The nice thing about Monkey Business is that it's a support group for children who have a family member battling cancer, so no one expected me to look good, feel good, or be full of energy. I was able to close my eyes, or put my head down on the table, or whatever I needed to do during the meeting without feeling rude or disrespectful. Another beautiful thing about this group is that the parents/guardians and kids start out together and then we split into adult and kid groups and do age appropriate activities. Yesterday, the parents got to decorate cloth bags for the kids with puffy paints, markers, stamps, etc. As soon as the puffy paints came out, I literally felt my body relax. It was so therapeutic for me! Memorial Hospital has an art group I can join free of charge, but it's in the evening, and evenings just don't work very well for us because we already have something going Monday through Thursday evening. I really do need to find a creative outlet though. My mother in law and I will be taking a field trip to Hobby Lobby sometime in the next couple days to see if I can find some kind of art project to work on during chemo.
After Monkey Business yesterday, we came home, I ate dinner, then laid down on my bed to "rest" and woke up, fully clothed and half off the bed at 11:30pm. I changed into my pajamas and went right back to sleep until 5:30.
I sent an email to my oncologist yesterday asking about the nausea, because he told me that he really wanted to be on top of it so my brain didn't learn to associate chemo with nausea. He said once that happens, it's really hard to unlearn. In my email to him, I told him what I was taking and how sick I was feeling. I got an email back asking about the other med he had prescribed for me. OOPS. That one was sitting comfortably in my bedroom closet, unopened. It was supposed to be taken twice a day for the first three days, and I was at the end of day four and hadn't taken it yet. I took it as soon as I realized my oversight and have been much less queasy since.
Eating while undergoing chemo is such an odd experience for me so far. For a couple days, nothing sounded good, but today, I'm wanting things completely out of the ordinary for me. Tapioca pudding, for example. Pre-chemo, I didn't mind tapioca. I even enjoyed it sometimes, but it honestly wasn't something I thought much about. Today, though, I wanted it desperately and when we got some, I enjoyed it thoroughly. Another food oddity is mango juice. I don't like mangos. Well, pre-chemo me doesn't like mangos, but again, I was really thirsting for some mango juice this morning, so I bought some and YUM! YUM! YUM!! Right now, I'm enjoying some homemade rice pudding, freshly made by my MIL. If I keep this up, I'm going to be one of those people who gains twenty pounds while on chemo. Oh, well. If it keeps the nausea at bay and keeps me alive, I can always lose it later.
Other than the nausea, my greatest struggle has been keeping my morale up. I don't do sick well. I'm not one of those people who can just ignore how crappy I feel and carry on with life. I've tried it. It doesn't work. I end up falling apart or snapping the head off my kids and/or husband! When I can sleep my way through the illness, it helps, but on days like today, when I feel beyond tired, but can't seem to sleep, it gets really frustrating.
In a previous post, I alluded to being in a transition stage in my life and I'm finding myself struggling with this again. I know that this chemo journey is most likely going to be for just six months and then I have the rest of my life ahead of me, but I don't know what I'm going to do with the rest of that life. In the mean time, I don't have anything I HAVE to get up for. I don't have any activities to look forward to, other than church and small group. It's hard to start something when I don't feel well, and to be honest, I have no idea what I'd like to do! I've thought about writing a "Chicken Soup for the Soul" kind of book, but I'm not sure I can get my brain to cooperate well enough for that. I guess it can't hurt to try.
Let's see. What other random news can I include here? Still haven't completely lost my hair. My oncologist said it usually happens between day 7 and 14, so I expect it any time after Friday, but we'll see.
PRAISE REPORTS:
-The kids LOVE Monkey Business. James actually started talking excitedly about it over the weekend. Funny how he went from "I will absolutely not go!" to "I can't wait!". My friend Corrie's kids have also joined, which is a nice bonus.
-The sun. I am so thankful for the sun. It really helps wipe the doldrums away.
-All of the amazing help we're getting. My mom went home to Oregon a week ago, after being here for three weeks. Jason's mom arrived yesterday and will be here for...well, I don't know how long. We'll play it by ear :-). Our life group is bringing us meals every other day, which is a HUGE help! The maid my siblings hired came for the first time on Sunday and it was so nice to walk into a clean house after church. Pam took time out of her day to drive us to Turlock, and on and on and on. We are truly blessed. Thank you to all of you!
PRAYER REQUESTS
-Please pray for my friend Corrie. Her cancer journey looks like it will be a bit longer than mine. Please pray for her and her family as they continue on this journey. It's no piece of cake and can really wear on the morale of all involved.
-Please pray for my morale, that I will be able to take this step by step and not get overwhelmed by the length of the journey ahead.
-Please continue to pray for the kids. James mentioned that kids at school are asking him a lot of questions about why I'm wearing hats and things and that he doesn't know how to answer them. I spoke to his teacher and will probably be going into his classroom to do a few minute explanation of cancer, chemo and hair loss. I'm actually really nervous about that. I'm not sure how parents will feel about their kids being exposed to that reality of life in such a concrete way, but I will be communicating with the teacher to make sure it is explained in a tactful, non-scary manner. Gabby seems to be handling everything in stride, but prayers for her as well couldn't hurt.
-Please pray for Jason, as he juggles work, caregiving, parenting, etc, etc, etc.
-Please pray for my mom. It is hard for her to be so far away when I'm sick. She has been an incredible help, travelling to and from Oregon to give us a hand, but it's not the same as living nearby.
-Please pray for my mother in law, as she spends time away from her husband, daughter and grandson to help us out.
No comments:
Post a Comment