Forgive

I woke from a dream this morning, one of those mornings when I can't remember what I was dreaming, but the emotions from the dreams have lingered hours into the day. I awoke sad and so full of regret and have been wrestling with this heaviness since.
I made so many mistakes and poor choices over the last couple years. In the process, I hurt several people who were very dear to me. Some stood by me, loved me through it all, and forgave me time and again. Others did not. Throughout the healing process of the last few months, I have learned to hold to the knowledge that God's grace reigns supreme and that ultimately how others view me, what they forgive or don't, doesn't determine how worthwhile I am. I have finally reached the point where most days, I can leave the past behind with a twinge of regret and forge on ahead to better days. Some days, like today, however, my heart aches with longing for their forgiveness, for the unconditional love I so desperately sought from them and didn't receive. Why does it matter to me? Why do I care what their opinion is of me? I watched them cast other people aside, and I know that their judgment of me is not in any way an indication of my value, so why does it matter to me?!! 
The wall next to where I am typing is covered in cards and other expressions of love from people in so many areas of my life, some from people I have never even met. My husband loves me selflessly and sacrificially. My children daily show me how much I matter to them. My family has bent over backwards to show me how important I am to them. I am definitely well-loved, cherished and valued by many. So why the heaviness? The past is beyond my control. I have apologized and done everything that I know how to do to mend these relationships. The only thing I cannot do is turn back time. I cannot undo what I did. I cannot change who I was. If I could, I would, but I can't. So I sit powerless, in a lose-lose situation. There is no way that I can unring this bell. So instead, I pray. I pray that God will mend these relationships and if that is not to happen, that somehow, He will remove the pain that weighs so heavy on my heart.
Before I post this, I would like to ask a favor of you, the reader. Please, if there is someone in your life who has sought your forgiveness and you have not yet given it, don't delay anymore. And when you have forgiven them, let them know! Forgiveness does not mean restoration. There are situations where relationships should never be restored because they are harmful to the parties involved. I am not asking you to allow pain back into your life, but what I am asking is that you please grant them the forgiveness they seek. Please understand that we all make mistakes. Sometimes, we make whopper-size mistakes. You may not think it's important to let them know that you have forgiven them, and maybe it isn't, but then again, maybe it is. Maybe this is something they are still carrying with them after all this time, and knowing that they have your forgiveness may bring more peace than you could ever imagine. Please do not withhold that peace from someone when you are able to give it. Who knows? Someday, you may even be in need of some of that forgiveness yourself.