I wonder...

I'm not feeling great today. To be completely honest, I'm tired of being sick. Two years fighting depression and now this cancer fight...blech. I'd like my mind and body back.
I wonder what would have happened if I had just let the cancer run its course. The doc says it was a slow growing cancer, that I probably had it in me six or seven years before we found it, and when we did find it, it was small and not fast growing. The tumor was barely over a centimeter and only a couple lymph nodes had cancer in them. I wonder how many years it would have been before I began feeling sick, and how long I could have lived with this cancer in me. Rationally, I know that going the surgery/chemo route has probably given me decades more of life, but today, I'm queasy, tired, and achy and I wish I could stop all the treatment and just, well, LIVE! I want to eat right, workout, feel good. Instead, I am a walking pharmacy, wondering what medication is causing what symptom. It's kind of ironic, really, because the only reason I feel sick right now is because of the medications, not the cancer itself. I'm trying not to count the days until this "treatment" is over, but it's dang hard not to just wish this was all over and done with. 
I wonder too about life, God, and faith. There are so many things I do not understand. I know that God is bigger than all my questions, and as I have written before, I know that He sees the whole picture and I do not. I don't understand why God created a world where there would be so much pain. I don't understand the point of life, really. There just seem to be so many unanswered questions, struggles and pain. I know the beauty of life will return. It always does, and when it does, I will breathe in deep and thank God for the easy days, and for the strength He gives for the hard ones. I just wish I understood this thing we call life better because today it is sure confusing and...heavy.

Romans 11:33-36 

Oh, how great are God's riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand His decisions and His ways! For who can know the Lord's thoughts? Who knows enough to give Him advice? And who has given Him so much that He needs to pay it back? For everything comes from Him and exists by His power and is intended for His glory. All glory to Him forever! Amen.