Even before I left Church in the Park (a ministry to the homeless of Modesto that Jason and I were heavily involved in for two and a half years), I felt drawn to West Side Park. I thought maybe I was just trying to create my own "CITP" because I was frustrated with the one I was involved in and didn't act on my pull toward that park. Then we left CITP and I found out I had cancer. My life took on a whirlwind of its own and working with the homeless in any way, shape or form was out of the question for awhile. Then I started to feel better and the draw to West Side Park returned. I prayed and prayed and prayed about it, at times excited to see what God wanted to do there, and more times than that asking God to please ask someone else because I was definitely not qualified to "run" any type of homeless ministry. I kept remembering the story of Moses, telling God he wasn't the right man for the job, that he wasn't a good speaker, etc. I used to find that story strange. I mean, after all, if God tells you to do something, why in the world would you argue?! He knows what He's doing, right? He's not going to ask us to do something and then not enable us to do it, so why in the world would Moses be afraid, or feel inadequate? Now I understand because I too found myself arguing with God, telling Him that I really didn't think this was a good idea.
Then I found myself wondering where we would get chairs and canopies and sound systems and volunteers and food and...and...and...and how in the world does someone start something like that?? "Pray. Walk around the park and pray." Repeatedly, I felt the Lord prompting me to walk around the park and pray for it and for the work that He wants to do there. I'd love to say I obeyed, but I didn't. I prayed, but I didn't walk. I prayed from my room, not the park. To be honest, I don't know how to go about something like this, trying to serve in an area I've been told is too dangerous for me to go to alone. Is this one of those times when I trust God will protect me and just go, or do I need to use some creativity and find people to come and pray with me? I don't know. One of the things about this journey is that God seems to be guiding me in HIS time and HIS time is much, much slower than mine. I want to take giant leaps and He's taking me on baby steps, really, really slow baby steps, teaching me to trust and wait.
As I was praying, we got hit by a heat wave and I felt drawn to take ice water bottles to West Side Park and hand them out. A couple friends and I went down and did this and I was flying so high by the time we were done! I felt like I was finally home again and couldn't wait to do more. I decided that for every day the temperature in Modesto reached 100 or more, I would take water out. I started putting the word out and the water donations started pouring in. Several people dropped off cases of water and others donated money. The man-power, however, has been slim. It's the week of July 4th and everyone is busy. So again, frustration sets in and I am reminded HIS timing. HIS timing. HIS timing, not mine.
Yesterday, my friend Stephanie and I handed out twenty four water bottles and could have handed out more, but that was all we had brought with us. I was so excited about today, but unfortunately, the person I had lined up to go with me had something come up and couldn't go, and I had forgotten my phone at home, so I didn't get the message until later. I drove by West Side Park three times, hoping to see someone I knew so they could help me pass out the waters. There were so many people there in the heat, but I couldn't stop because I was alone with the kids. Since I had forgotten my phone at home, I couldn't call anyone else to join me either. So I drove by with 48 bottles of ice water in my trunk wondering how stupid it would be to just stop and hand them out on my own. But there's a difference between risking my life and risking the lives of my children, so we went home.
I know it's not a huge deal. The homeless go without water all the time and it's not like our 48 bottles would have made an earth shattering difference, but I'm really sad about it. Ironically, I listened to a sermon last night just before bed and one of the points in the sermon was that when God gives you a task, a dream, and you set about to do it, you will invariably come across road blocks.
I don't know what God has planned for West Side Park. I don't know if this is a personal journey for me, about letting go and trusting God, or if He has something bigger up His sleeve. Honestly, I have NO clue. I'm trying really hard not to panic about failing, about dropping the ball, about doing it "wrong". Instead, I'm focusing on listening to His voice and following it, one step at a time, and I think that means it's time for me to get my butt down there and do some praying, like He told me to weeks ago.
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