Welcome to the human race.

I've spent the majority of my life fighting realities that I didn't like. If something didn't go my way, if things didn't turn out as I had planned, I would get incredibly upset and do everything in my power to make things "right"! As you can imagine, this used up an incredible amount of energy and was often completely and utterly pointless, resulting only in a great deal of frustration and wasted effort.
I'm learning that some things we just cannot change. Good, bad, or indifferent, they are what they are and nothing will change them. I was talking to someone about some of the events of the last couple years and how they are impacting me now and he told me the story of a time in his life when blunt honesty set him free. I can't remember the exact words of the conversation, so I hope I'm doing it justice as I recount it. Basically, when he was seventeen, his parents divorced and he carried the weight of that heavy on his shoulders. He knew that they had stayed together because of him, and when he moved away, they split. He felt guilty for not being able to keep them together longer. It wasn't until someone acknowledged to him that yes, they HAD stayed together because of him, and yes, they split because he left, but that they would have ultimately split anyway that the burden of guilt lifted and he was able to move on. At the time of our conversation, I thought that I had been viewing my past honestly, and didn't dwell long on what he had said...until yesterday.
I'm not sure what it was about yesterday that brought it all home to me, but as I thought back over the past couple years, I admitted to myself that I was a lousy wife, a horrible friend, and that I hurt a lot of people. Simple as that. No excuses. No explanations. No rationalizations. Following that admission, clear as day, came the thought: "Welcome to the human race."
I had to smile, not making light of the pain I brought in any way, but because after spending months and months and months trying to fix something that I have absolutely no control over, there was genuine freedom in finally surrendering and saying: "Yes. I failed." I can't go back into the past. I can't undo the damage I did. I was not a nice person. I was not a good person. I messed up big time and people were hurt because of me. No matter how many times I beat myself up for that, the past will never change. It is what it is. I cannot undo it. I am deeply sorry for it, yes, but I cannot sacrifice the present on the altar of penance for the past. It was what it was and it's time to move on.  So I place my humanity in God's divine hands, covering myself in His blood, and I move on. Welcome to the human race.