It was the day of the very first Love Modesto I ever attended. A small group of us from Church in the Park made up our own project last minute and we drove around town in the CITP truck delivering ice cold water to strangers. Then we got some tacos from Taco Bell and delivered them to some of the homeless in town. I had developed two new friendships that were tighter than any friendships I had ever had and was certain they would be friends for life. I was happy, so happy! I would wake up every morning SO excited to be alive! I couldn't wait to see my friends, to volunteer at the park, to, well, live! I had recently lost fifty pounds. I looked good. I felt good. The world was my oyster. I felt like a kid again and was on top of the world. Little did I know what was lying in store for me.
Fast-forward two years to today, April 27, 2013. Love Modesto has come around again, a day I look forward to every year. There is just something about thousands of people coming together to love on their city that makes me smile. Today, though, it's bringing with it some painful memories.
Two years and twenty-five days later, I'm twenty pounds heavier and two boobs and a head of hair lighter. Since that blessed, amazing, joy-filled day two years ago, I have lost those two "forever" friends (and several more). I have attempted suicide once and been in the psych ward twice. I have been hospitalized for seizures we thought might be a brain tumor and turned out to be psychosomatic (we think. We still don't know for sure what caused them). I have lost my ability to walk and then regained it. I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder with Reoccurring Episodes, and then stage 2 Breast Cancer. I have had two major surgeries and a minor one and three rounds of chemo. A "millionaire benefactor" for CITP turned out to be a con-artist and swindled several of our friends out of thousands of dollars and left many of our dreams for CITP shattered into pieces. Jason's best friend died. Someone very dear to us was raped. Jason's grandma and grandpa died. Jason's job has been a mess of law suits, counter-suits, slander and uncertainty. I nearly lost my marriage. I was kicked out of the ministry that I loved with all my heart. James was hospitalized for pneumonia a couple times.
On that day a little over two years ago, I had no idea, no premonition of the things to come. Sometimes I think I would love to know what the future holds. Today, I am thankful that I had no idea, because there is no way on earth I would have been able to handle the load of knowing what was just beyond the corner for me.
It is my natural tendency to remember the excruciating pain of the last two years that lingers on into today and oftentimes I want to sit there, to dwell in it, to grieve over it and scream about it, but I'm trying, today, to remember what else happened during the last two years.
My dad, whom I thought was my harshest critic and whose approval I have sought my whole life, has been one of my strongest supporters and has made his love and acceptance known on multiple occasions over the last two years. My husband has shown me the true meaning of unconditional love and my marriage has been restored. I have learned in a way that can only come from hands-on experience what grace really means. I have developed a love for and understanding of the mentally ill that I never had before. We have moved from an apartment into a house that we love and that is truly a home for us. We have been brought to a church that displays love in action. My children are thriving in a great school. I have hugged and loved on hundreds of homeless people and been blessed beyond measure for it. I have learned SO much about friendships, boundaries, and self-respect. I have made new friends from various areas of life, people I never would have met had I not had to go through the storms of life. I have been blessed by several incredible doctors, decent insurance and a new chance at life.
I'm not going to claim that I am happy today because I'm not. I feel tired, and old, and emotionally, physically and spiritually scarred. I'm not going to claim that if I had to do it all over again, I would go through everything that I've been through to be where I am today because I wouldn't. I don't know if I will ever get to that point. I would love to think so, but I'm not there today. I miss April 2, 2011. I miss that happy-go-lucky, ecstatic-to-be-alive girl. If I could go back in time to that day, I would. I feel like I've aged decades over the last two years and I am tired to the core of my being. My body's tired. My mind is tired. My heart is tired. My spirit is tired. I miss the naivety of the me of two years ago. I miss the heart that took people at face value and believed every word they said. I miss the me that woke up every morning excited to see the world. I don't know if that person will ever be back. I hope so. I pray so.
I started this blog posting hoping I could turn it into one of those "life was super hard, but it was all worth it" Chicken Soup for the Soul types of posts, but I just can't. Earlier this week, however, I was reminded of are lyrics of a Petra song. A friend and I were texting about life and I had mentioned that I really missed working with the homeless and didn't understand why God had benched me at this stage of my life. When he got my text, the Petra song "No Doubt" was playing on his iphone. The irony of that was not lost on either of us. It was one of those total God moments and so, as I walk down memory lane of the last two years for the thousandth time, wondering if the pain of it all will ever go away, I play this song, and hope.
No Doubt, by Petra
(Verse 1)
There are times when you fell like you can't go on
There are times when you fell like giving in
And there are times when you feel like you can't try anymore
There are times of trouble in believing
This test of your faith will last
As long as it takes to pass
Till you have no more doubt you'll endure
And you faith will emerge true and pure
(Chorus)
No doubt it'll be alright
With God it'll all work together for good
No doubt in the end it will be understood
No doubt it'll all work out
With faith He can move any mountain for us
No doubt in the power of Jesus
And after all is done we find out
All we really need to have is no doubt
(Verse 2)
There's a time to take a reckless leap of faith
There's a time to be cautious and wait
And there's a way of learning from the past
That this time of trouble won't last
And sometimes we want to think we know
The ways He will choose to make us grow
But it's never the way of our choosing
And we can't always see what He's using
(Repeat chorus)
There will be winters in the seasons of our soul
With a cold and bitter wind that chills our lives
But our faith can be building a fire
That will warm us till spring time arrives
(Repeat chorus)
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