I am down, and frustrated, and I don't know how to be. I don't know how to be sick! I went looking for pictures of joy this morning, thinking I'd write an uplifting, encouraging blog post for once. You know, stick it to this nasty illness and say you can't get the best of me. And it hasn't. And it won't. Get the best of me, that is. But it has stolen my smile and my spunk right now. I am beyond frustrated and I've always thought that as a Christian, I should never complain, "counting it all joy", always see the silver lining and if I can't find it, keep my mouth shut. And maybe I should, but then I think of Job, and of David, how they poured their hearts out and it is written in the Bible for all to see, and I need to cry out too! All of this builds up inside me and I can't play the happy, peaceful Christian anymore! My mind is filled with questions and turmoil.
What am I to do if this is a lifelong illness?
What if they find this to be something with no cure?
What am I to do with the boredom and frustration that mounts every day?
I don't understand!!! And I just want to go home. I want to throw myself in my Father's arms and hear Him say "Well done." I want to be done, to know that I've done everything that I was called here to do and I don't have to hurt or struggle anymore because I am weary and tired. Don't hear me wrong. I am not suicidal. Been there. Done that, and this is very different. I have two children and a husband who need me as part of their lives and I will fight to be here as long as I can, but I'm so tired of this exhausting fight that we call life.
A friend of mine a while back was going through a really rough period and the more he struggled with things, the more irritable he got. One day, some of the kids in our group and I played a practical joke on him. The kids were giggling and laughing while we turned on a song that we knew he hated. He flipped around and shouted: "Turn that off!!" and then he sunk into a chair with his head in his hands. I went over to talk to him and he said: "The kids were so happy, laughing and having a good time, and I just snapped at them." He pointed up to the sky and said: "I just want to go home." I'll never forget that day, how dejected and tired he looked, and how desperately he yearned for home.
I believe we are made to yearn for home, the place we are meant to spend eternity, but many times, we have to pick ourselves up by our bootstraps and remind ourselves that it's not time yet. We will go home. I will go home...when my time comes, and I will celebrate that day, but today is not that day. For whatever reason, God still has me here on earth. He hasn't given me the easiest of circumstances right now, but in the grand scheme of things, this is so temporary. It may feel like an eternity right now, as the minutes drag by in the darkness of my room, but one day I will look back and it will be like a blink of an eye.
I begged God to allow me to make a difference in this world. I wanted, and still want, my life to count. When I go home, I want to hear those words loud and clear: "WELL DONE!"
Help me, dear God, with the strength that only you can give.
Fill me with the joy of Your presence no matter the trial.
And please, Lord, please don't let these trials go to waste.
May these struggles and this pain bring You glory,
until the day You take me home.
As Jeremy Camp puts it so well in this song (There will be a day, by Jeremy Camp), there will be a day will no more tears, no more pain, and no more fear. I cannot wait!
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