I gave you this cancer because...

One of the most common questions that people ask when going through tough times is "Why?" "Why me?" "Why now?" "Why this?" "Why? Why? Why?" My case is no exception and many times, those questions go without answer. The other night, however, as I was laying in bed struggling with some non-cancer related issues, I believe God gave me a little insight into part of His plan for this cancer.
Most of you know the last two years of my life have been brutal. I lost friend after friend after friend. The people I thought loved me the most threw me away and I was left raw and bleeding, only to be pummeled again, with a broken heart that I didn't think could be put back together. I came to believe that I was expendable, replaceable, that the world would be, if not a better place without me, at least perfectly fine without my presence there. I believed Jason could find a better wife who would be just as good if not a better mom to my children. I believed what my "friends" showed me time and time and time again over two years: that the world was a better place without me, that I caused nothing but heartache and that I wasn't worth their time.
Fast forward to a night a few days ago. Jason was gone to Massachusetts. I hadn't slept well in days. It was late. I couldn't sleep once again and the weight of the world came down heavier and heavier on me. The thought that used to be ever so common an occurrence in my life flickered through my mind. "You don't have to stay here, you know. You could end all this pain once and for all." Without skipping a beat, I mentally responded: "NO! I am loved. Look at this quilt on the wall that was painstakingly made for me in love. Look at these drawings from my children who love me more than they could ever love another woman in the world! Look at these cards from people I've never even met who would be saddened if something happened to me! Look at these window treatments that my Mother-in-Law hung with love. Look at this overflowing basket of chocolates brought to me by people who love me, who care about me. Look at this blanket sown together with love by a fellow cancer survivor I've never even met. No. If I weren't here, the world will miss me. I'm going to fight. I need to fight. If I become too overwhelmed that I can't fight for my own benefit, I will fight for the benefit of others." And then the thought that had entered my mind on a couple of other occasions hit me again. "I gave you this cancer because I needed to put you back together." "I GAVE YOU THIS CANCER BECAUSE I NEEDED TO PUT YOU BACK TOGETHER."
I pondered that for some time. I came into this cancer diagnosis a very broken person. My heart was mush. My trust in humanity, especially fellow Christians, was shattered and I was limping my way through life. The cancer diagnosis came and people started coming out of the woodwork, showering me with love everywhere I went and slowly healing the brokenness within. I'm not going to lie. The pain is still there, real and vivid at times, but I can tell that healing is taking place. I know that God is slowly putting me back together. Like the cancer nurse told me at the beginning of this journey, everything has a silver lining. Sometimes we just have to look for it. My cancer has a silver lining. It is healing me.
I would like to encourage you all to take the time to love someone "just because". Show them that they are important in your world and don't wait until they are sick to let them know. Many people are very good at hiding what is going on inside and it is very possible that someone desperately needs to know that their life makes a difference in yours. Send them a text. Write them a card. Drop off flowers or chocolate "just because". Maybe God wants to use you today to let someone know they matter. Maybe God will use someone today to let YOU know that you matter. Love is powerful. Let's spread it.