Anxiety

Six days from now, I will have received my first chemo treatment and to be honest, I'm terrified. "Red Devil" it is affectionately called; so toxic the nurses have to use extreme caution when handling it. And I'm going to be putting this in my veins on purpose? Really? Is this really a smart scenario? Somehow it doesn't seem quite...um, what's the word? Rational. It doesn't really seem like something a smart person would do. And yet the alternative...So I will allow myself to be intentionally poisoned for six months, and yes, it terrifies me.
I'm not sleeping well because my anxiety really kicks in when I stop, when I relax. It's odd really because I'm not laying there, thinking of the toxic liquid about to course through my veins, or the resulting side effects or anything like that. In a sense, I feel as if a battle is going on inside me. On one hand I trust God fully and know that ultimately His plans are best. There is a joy and a peace that come with that and they are not manufactured or strained. They are real. Yet, at the same time, I sleep fitfully (when I actually sleep!) and have other physical signs of anxiety. What is the matter with me?! It's going to be ok. No matter the outcome, it's going to be ok. So why the anxiety? To be honest, it makes me mad. Mad at myself as if in some way I have failed. Mad that I am incapable of controlling my own emotions and fears. I hate my weaknesses! And yet,

"That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:10

Perhaps that is why. Perhaps I need to be weak so that He can shine. I sure don't feel very "shiny" in my own strength right now.