Two halves

I'd like to think of myself as independent and strong, but the fact of the matter is I am neither. I am exhausted. I am moody. I'm a mess!
I'm not sure why I feel the need to prove that I don't "need" my husband, that I could do just fine on my own. I'd love to say that we are a pair because we want to be, not because we have to be, but the fact of the matter is I need him. From the very core of my being, I need him, and right now, I am so aware of that fact.
Two and a half weeks ago, Jason got sick. He had a fever for nearly a week. Because I'm on chemo and am at a higher risk, he didn't touch me, slept in the other room and if we talked, which was seldom, I was sitting on the opposite side of the room with a mask on. After several feverish days, he finally saw the doctor and about two days later, he started to feel better, little by little. Last Saturday was our first "normal" day, where we finally felt it was safe to hug, and talk without masks. The next morning, at 3:30am, he left for Massachusetts. He's been gone for a week, and will be gone for 3 to 6 more days, depending on how things play out.
I am beyond exhausted, and it's not a fatigue that anyone but Jason can help with. When Jason holds me and I can talk and talk and talk to my heart's content, the world suddenly doesn't seem as heavy to bear, but when I'm alone, it all builds up. It's not the housecleaning, or the cooking, or the kids, although all that adds up too. It's that my other half, my sounding board, the missing part of my brain is on the other side of the country.
So while as a modern woman, I'd like to believe that I am just fine on my own, the fact of the matter is, I'm not. I need my husband. We're a team, and things just aren't right when he's away.

Hush. Be still!

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What if I’m going crazy? Why did they leave me? Why does it still hurt so dang much?! “We don’t need your drama!” “You’re a control freak!” “Get off my phone!” “My problem is YOU!”
What if I’m wrong? What if God is angry at me? What if I never get over this? What if the medications don’t help? What if I end up like the naked old man on D block, crawling around on all fours, moaning?
What if I speak up and people hurt me? What if I don’t speak up and all this is for nothing? What if I speak up and find I have nothing helpful to say? What if people aren’t helped by what I’m going through? What if no one trusts me ever again when they know how crazy I really am?!

Shh. Be still.

Be still. Be still. How do I be still? How do I quiet myself? How do I get these thoughts to stop? Where is the off button? Is there an off button? Maybe there isn’t an off button. Maybe the shrink won’t be able to help me. Maybe I will be like this for the rest of my life. I can’t live like this for much longer. I just can’t! I’m tired. So very, very tired. Tired of hurting. Tired of struggling. Tired of trying to hold my head up each and every day. Tired of chasing the thoughts around in my head. Tired of wondering what others are thinking of me. Tired of waiting for the next blow from a friend and wondering whom it will come from. Tired…Tired… Tired…

“Come to me, all you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

I’m here, Lord, trying to quiet my soul before you. Why can’t I quiet my soul? I am so very, very tired, and oh, so scared. I’m scared to be hurt. I’m scared the pain will never, ever stop. I’m scared I will be like the naked man on all fours. But I said that already. You’ve heard all this already, over and over and over like a never-ending record.

“Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10

I KNOW that you are God!! But what I DON’T know is why you are leaving me here! Why, God? Why have you left me in my pain? Why have you left me in the illness that seems to be descending heavier and heavier upon my soul?! Where are You?!

“Never will I leave you. Never will I forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5

No, Lord, and you never have.

“Sometimes God lets you hit rock bottom so that you will discover that He is the Rock at the bottom.” Dr. Tony Evans

Yes, Lord. You HAVE been my Rock. You have been my strength. Time after time you have carried me through, as you are doing right now, but Daddy, I’m running out of strength. Help me, dear Jesus! Make this all end! PLEASE give me your peace. Please give me relief. Please, dear God. I can’t take much more.