Mush

My brain is mush today. I'm so frustrated with this. Counting the days until December 5th, when I get to see the psychiatrist. We've tried getting in earlier. I made this appointment as soon as I got out of the mental hospital in early October, and that was the first opening they had. My therapist even called them last week to see if there was any way to get in sooner, to no avail. So I wait, and eat lots of carbs and other serotonin rich foods in an attempt to stay functional. I don't even want to know how much weight I've put on. But I'd rather be fat and functional than skinny and rocking back and forth in a dark corner, holding my head because the "brain vice" is so strong. So I'm self-medicating with food, exercise and vitamins, and holding my breath until I can hopefully get some more permanent and consistent relief. I have tried handling this without meds, but I'm waving the white flag of surrender and begging, hoping, praying that the doctor will be able to find a medication that works for me. Please, Lord Jesus, please. I want my brain back. I want stability back. I want my life back!