My Village

A year and a half ago, when my mental illness started to really make itself known, I was very open about it. I think mostly because I was naïve and didn’t realize the cost of putting my “crap” out there for everyone to see. What I discovered is that when you put your crap out there, it sometimes gets flung right back at you and I was not ready for that. It hurt more than I care to admit, and I retreated into my shell.
I’m realizing, however, that I am not doing anyone any good by keeping my experience to myself. It is my hope that what I am going through will help others on both sides of the spectrum: those who are struggling with mental illness and those who love someone who is ill, but may not understand what they are going through or how to help.  So I’m putting on my poncho and my rubber boots, coming out of my shell, and putting my crap back out there. Feel free to fling it back at me. I’m ready for it this time.
Today is a good day for me. I seem to be coming out of my fog and am pretty close to my functional self again. This will likely last a few more days before I begin to gradually sink back down into the suffocating, life-sucking tentacles of depression again. My mental illness seems to be correlated to my monthly cycle, and if it follows the pattern it has been following for nearly two years now, I should be pretty miserable again within a couple weeks. But then again, some months aren't as bad. Maybe I'll get a Birthday/Christmas reprieve. We shall see.
Like I said, today is a good day, so I am making the most of it. My head is relatively clear and I have no desire to die, so I’ll take it, I will enjoy it, and I will put it to good use. I am hoping that over the next few days, I will be able to tell some of my story here, before I go back into survival mode for a few weeks.
I’m reading a lot about mental illness these days, trying to understand mine and give myself hope that I will be able to crawl my way out of this and become a fully functional human being again. I read something in Morning Has Broken, by Emme and Phillip Aronson, that actually prompted me to write this post. Phil writes:

Remember Hillary Clinton’s book, in which she talked about how it takes a village to raise a child? Well, it takes a village—and then some!—to help someone through a depression, and I was blessed to live among such loving, caring, supportive villagers. Sure, some of the natives got a little restless, and threw up their hands at what must have seemed to all concerned like frustrating behavior, but they were there for me the entire way, and I wouldn’t be here to write this account were it not for their amazing extra efforts.

I have been tremendously blessed by a group of friends and family who are supporting me on this journey. Some have been with me from the beginning and others have joined me along the way. Your support, love, encouragement and prayers have helped me more than I can say! I do not expect my friends/family to have all the answers. I do not expect you to even be able to point me in the right direction. And I definitely do not expect you to go through all of this with me without being fazed by my moods, my outbursts and the roller-coaster ride that comes with being part of my world. I know they are hard to take sometimes and I am truly sorry for the affect they have on you. But knowing that you love me even when you don’t understand, and knowing that you will forgive my weaknesses and pray for my strength is a huge source of comfort on this journey. The hugs, the prayers, the texts and conversations of support, and the help with the kids during doctors’ appointments and on the really rough days…I cannot thank you all enough. Thank you all for being part of my village. I am blessed.