Not so bad

Ah. Finally a minute to write...and my brain is so tired I can barely think straight. Jason's been gone on a business trip all week, and I seldom sleep well when he's gone, so I'm pretty tuckered out. Not to mention that my doctor still has me on Ativan, which makes me a bit sleepy as well.
I started having muscle spasms about three days after I got my Lupron shot. The spasms were similar to the ones that landed me in the hospital last Easter, and when I met with my psychiatrist, he said he thought it might be because I went off the Ativan I was on for chemo cold turkey. No one had told me not to do that, but apparently it can be pretty dangerous, so he had me go back on the Attivan. Sure enough, my spasms faded away into nothingness. I see him again tomorrow and we'll discuss how to get me off this stuff the right way this time!
The journey since the Lupron shot has been amazingly easier than I expected. I've been moody and irritable at times, with a hot flash here or there, but nothing like the thick depression I was expecting. Thank you to all of you who prayed for us. I will get my second shot in about two weeks, and then my estrogen levels should be down to zero, and I can start the aromatase inhibitors. No idea what to expect from those, but honestly, it doesn't matter. My health journey over the last two years has been incredibly trying and yet God has faithfully been there with me every step of the way. So no matter what lies ahead, I know He will walk it with me, and I find great peace in that.
I must go get James and take the kids to the library, so I will keep this post short. More to come later :-).

Giving

I'm sitting here at the computer, wondering if I will be able to produce a somewhat coherent blog post. My mind is racing with my new-found, post-chemo freedom. There is SO much I want to do, but I'm forcing myself to put the brakes on so I don't end up sick again, or having to back out of numerous commitments I made when my time and energy seemed endless.
Life is good. Life is really, really good these days. The children are out of school for the summer. We are all adjusting to Jason working from home, and I am feeling so much better. In about five weeks, my treatment will resume (not chemo, but other possibly not so pleasant treatments) and life may get a bit more challenging at that time, but for now, I'm enjoying life.
I want my life to matter. I've always wanted this. For as far back as I can remember, I've wanted to make a difference, but now, having gone through cancer, I feel it even more so. I really believe that if we all did the most we can with what we've been given, this world would be a much better place!
My pastor Scott Nelson said in his sermon a couple weeks ago: "If you have twice as much as you need, why are you not giving 50% away?" This has played over and over in my head since, and I've realized I'm not as selfless as I thought I was. I like my Starbucks. I like having nice clothes and going out to eat. I like having the A/C on a comfortable temperature all summer long. I never thought I was attached to money, but to be honest, I don't give away nearly as much as I could. Is it right for me to have so much when people are dying of hunger and I could do something about it? Is it right for me to enjoy a frequent drink from Starbucks when that money, over a year's time, could provide a life saving operation or two for someone in a third world country?
I heard Francis Chan say in a sermon once something like the following: "Is it possible to give too much away? Possibly. But would it be too bad to stand before God and say: 'Oops. I gave too much away and died of starvation.'" I find that concept hilarious, and yet saddening at the same time. I am not there yet, in that frame of mind that is ready to give it ALL away. Oh, sure. I'll give some of it away. The extras. But to give away when it hurts, to give away the food out of my own cupboard when I'm out of grocery money? That's harder.
I had a mentor several years back who felt like the Lord was telling her to downsize in preparation for something to come. She didn't know what that "something" was, but she went through her clothes, and kept only about five tops and bottoms that she could mix and match into different outfits and gave everything away. Talk about blind devotion! She had no idea where God was leading, but she followed His instructions and ended up, down the road a little, using her home as a halfway house for convicts getting out of prison.
I want to be sold out, completely sold out, where "me" no longer exists and all that is left to see is Christ in me. I am not there yet, but I yearn to be, and I know that God will honor that desire and mold me to be more like Him in the years to come.