As strange as this may sound, my cancer has been a shield of sorts for me. Coming off severe depression and a nasty, painful situation with the ministry I was involved in, having cancer provided me with a blanket of sorts. For the last six months, I have been flooded with love and support. Even perfect strangers have reached out and loved on me. The wounds of the two years prior began to heal and I started to feel loved again. Emotionally, I started to feel stronger and stronger. To be honest, I felt like once my chemo was done, I would be able to take on anything that was thrown at me. But now, my chemo has been abruptly shortened by three months and I don't feel so strong anymore. I'm scared. I'm scared to face the big, scary world out there. I'm scared about how things will change.
We came to Covenant Grove Church two weeks after I was diagnosed with cancer, so from day one there, I have been a cancer patient. They have loved us and supported us and we have started to develop some good friendships there, but, like I said, from day one, I had cancer. I was the needy one. Every week, people would ask me how I was feeling, if I needed anything, how things were going. Now...now things will change and that is unsettling to me.
When I was depressed, I was tired all the time, but it was something I fought and was ashamed of. When I was going through surgeries and chemo, I was tired all the time, but it was expected, and naps were encouraged. If I had insomnia, it didn't really matter because I could sleep whenever I wanted to during the day without anyone thinking anything of it. I had help with the kids, with the house, with meals. I was incredibly blessed and spoiled. I'm scared now, now that I have to be an adult again. What if I'm still tired? What if life becomes overwhelming again and I can't hide behind my cancer?
Don't get me wrong. I didn't exploit my cancer. I tried very hard not to take advantage of people, but people are naturally more likely to help when you are sick and bald. Not so much when you look "normal".
Cancer also protected me from myself. I needed to distance myself from some unhealthy situations I was in and undergoing chemo forced me to do that. I was physically unable to put myself in some of those situations without seriously endangering my physical health due to low blood cell counts. Soon, however, in a matter of four weeks or so, my immune system will be back up to par and the choice will be mine. I will have to decide what is healthy for me emotionally and what isn't. I will have to make those choices, and they scare me. When I was laying in bed, sick from the chemo and the anti-nausea meds, I thought I could take on the world if only I wasn't so sick. Now, I don't feel so strong. I feel vulnerable, and the pains of my pre-cancer world haunt me and try to rob me of my peace.
One of my go-to verses during this cancer journey has been Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." My depression? For good. My cancer? For good. My broken relationships? For good. My chemo? For good. Covenant Grove? For good. ALL things. In ALL things. I just wish I felt stronger emotionally...but then, if I did, perhaps I would start to rely on myself again, and forget the Source of my strength. He is my Rock. He has been my Rock through terrible, horrible, God-awful storms. I read the following quote after my first stay in the mental hospital and have found it to be so incredibly true. "Sometimes God lets you hit rock bottom so that you will discover that He is the rock at the bottom." - Tony Evans.
I don't know what the future holds and it does scare me. But Jesus is sleeping in my boat, and I know that should any storm arise, He can quickly calm it...or He can hold me while it rages, and promise to see me through.
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