It is after 10:30pm. I've already taken a sleeping pill, and yet I'm here on the computer, typing. I was laying in bed, when a memory from thirteen years ago hit me and I really felt a strong need to type this blog post. I don't know which one of you needs to hear this, but I sense that this is something I need to share.
Thirteen years ago, shortly after Jason and I were married, I went through an incredibly difficult time emotionally. One night, I cut on myself with a razor over forty times. The cuts weren't deep, but they were a sign of a serious problem. Jason drove me all the way from our apartment to a hospital in Portland, OR about 25 miles away. Jason was a paramedic in Portland at the time, so for privacy concerns (he didn't need his co-workers asking him why his wife was in the ER), we were put in a room and they closed the curtains. Unfortunately, the social worker thought the closed curtains were a sign that we had already been helped and we waited a LONG time, I believe it was about an hour and a half, before the social worker realized that no one had been in to see me yet and finally came in to talk to us. By that time (45 minute drive + 1.5 hr wait), I had calmed down and was back in a "rational" frame of mind. Because I had already begun seeing a therapist the week before and didn't want to harm myself at that immediate moment, they sent me home with no treatment whatsoever. No lock up. No meds, and I don't believe they called my therapist either.
Fast-forward to last October. I downed a bunch of Ambien in a suicide attempt. I was taken by ambulance to Memorial Hospital, then transferred to Doctor's Behavioral Health (Mental Hospital), where I was put on a suicide watch for two days. I saw a psychiatrist there twice, for about ten minutes each time. I declined meds, and was released, with no follow up. I was not under the care of a therapist or a psychiatrist and no appointment was made for me by the staff to see one.
Why am I telling you these things? Because I want you to understand that if you have someone in your life who is struggling with depression, who is hurting themselves in anyway, you CANNOT count on the institutions or the hospitals to make sure they are safe and/or getting the treatment they need. I also want to point out that most people with mental illness, be it anxiety or depression (I can't speak for any other mental illnesses because I haven't experienced them), are incredibly overwhelmed. Even the smallest decisions of day to day life can seem insurmountable. When you can barely drag yourself out of bed and can't decide what you want to eat, or even if you want to eat, calling the insurance company, finding out what your coverage is, then calling several doctors before you find one who is accepting new patients, then making an appointment, getting to that appointment and then explaining what is going on with you is about tantamount to summitting Mount Everest! If you have a loved one who is steeped in depression or overcome with anxiety, offer to help them navigate the world of insurance and doctors. You may not want to be "pushy" or "interfere in their business" but I'm going to say it again: the institutions will not keep them safe. They may help you figure out how to keep them safe, but if you check them in and leave it at that, more times than not, they will not get adequate help. I honestly don't know where I would be today if I didn't have the help and support of my husband through those incredibly challenging and dangerous times. So be nosy. You just might save a life.
I have so much I want to write about today, I'm not even sure yet what this post will be about! Today has been so full of blessings. I started off the morning with a phone call from Bridgette Eilers, of the Chemo Crew. Bridgette is an ovarian cancer survivor who started a non-profit to help cancer patients in Stanislaus County. The Chemo Crew provides services like grocery shopping, house cleaning, lawn care, help finding free resources, one-on-one support, etc. To find out more about them, you can go to their website. I had called them a couple days ago and Bridgette was returning my call. She sounded like such a sweet lady. I can't wait to meet her in person! I found out that she has three children of her own, ages 6, 7 and 9. She will be dropping me off at my chemo appointment on Wednesday and then coming back later to sit with me for awhile and then take me home. I found out last night that Jason is going to be out of town on Wednesday all day, so having someone who can take me to and from chemo was a huge relief! I'm really excited to talk to Bridgette and find out ways that I can help out with Chemo Crew too. It's really hard for me to sit around and do nothing of value for weeks on end. Yes, I know healing from cancer is valuable, but it's not tangible right now, and feels...I don't know...boring? inconsequential? I only get one life. I don't want to sleep and puke it away. I know I can't do much right now, but maybe on my good weeks I could at least sit with chemo patients, or assemble kits, or something. One of the hardest parts about this cancer journey for me has been the lack of social contact, so I welcome any chance I have to be around other people and especially to be on the giving side of things rather than the receiving side every now and again.
After I got off the phone with Bridgette, my friend Jenni and her daughter Zoe came by, bringing us a pizza from Costco to help with dinner on those not so great days. Thank you so much, Jenni! What a thoughtful gesture!
After they left, I headed to my appointment with my psychiatrist, whom I absolutely LOVE, by the way. If you or someone you know is in need of a great psychiatrist, I highly recommend Dr. Hetnal in Modesto.
I asked him today if I would be on my medication (Paxil) for life, or if it was a short term thing. I found his reaction kind of amusing. He looked at me with somewhat of a startled look, then said that he was really sorry, but that I would be on medications for life. He then corrected himself and said: "Well, you are the patient. You make your own treatment decisions, but you won't ever get a recommendation to go off your medications from me!" He turned my file over and read off the back: "Major Depressive Disorder with Re-occurring Episodes. No. You will need your medications for life. We won't mess around with that." He seemed apologetic about my need for lifetime meds, but to be honest, to me, it was actually a relief for a couple reasons. One, when you've walked through the darkness of deep, suicidal depression for months on end, it is not something you EVER want to have to go through again for any reason. The thought of having to wean myself off of my medication to see if I needed it was something I was really apprehensive about, and honestly was the reason I asked the question today. The second reason I found comfort in this news is that there is a part of me that still wonders if my depression was my fault. I hear over and over in my head the stinging words: "Your problem is a SPIRITUAL one! You need to focus on getting right with God. Don't contact me or my family in any way until you get right with God and get the kind of help we offered you a long time ago!" (text from a former best friend's husband right before I got on medication) or the words of the elders of church I used to attend, when they anointed me with oil both for my depression and my cancer while we were waiting for the results of the biopsy: "So you have an emotional problem and a physical one. Take your thoughts captive." "Really?" I thought. "Really? So my possible cancer is a more 'prayer worthy' illness than the depression that had ravaged my life for two years? That's supposed to be as simple as taking my thoughts captive?! Have you ever tried that one in the throes of depression? Yeah. I didn't think so." To be honest, that's probably not how he meant it, but it's how I interpreted it at the time and there is part of me that wonders if maybe my depression was because God was unhappy with me, that maybe I was at odds with him, somehow holding on to my sin, but then I remember this post I wrote back in September 2011, shortly after my first stay in the mental hospital. I remember being flat on my face before God, begging Him for deliverance, knowing that I was fully and completely surrendered to ANYTHING He wanted from me and still feeling myself swallowed by the darkness of depression. So having the doctor tell me that my illness is severe enough to require medication for life, in some ways, affirmed to me that I am not to blame for the chemical imbalance in my brain. If this imbalance is lifelong and not situational, then perhaps I didn't cause it. Perhaps my former friends were wrong.
After my doctor's appointment, I drove to Chipotle, picked up lunch for me and Jason, and took it to his office. We ate lunch together, then I headed home to pick up the kids from school.
It was so nice to be out and about and to receive the love of strangers and friends alike. I'm exhausted now, but thankful for such a good day :-).
I mentioned in one of my previous posts that God is using my cancer to heal me of some past hurts. I was pondering this last night when I couldn't sleep and I came up with an idea that I'd like your help with. Let me explain how.
One of the outcomes of the two years leading up to my cancer was that I really began to believe that most people are cruel and heartless and that most of us really don't care about others. My cancer journey has helped me to realize that this is not the case. Many, many people, even perfect strangers, have shown me so much love, and I would like to take this a step further. I'm hoping you will join me.
I'm going to start Therapeutic Thursdays. Every Thursday, no matter how sick, weak, or tired I feel, I plan to intentionally show love to a stranger. The reason I decided to do this toward strangers is that I find it easy to love on the people I like. It can be much harder to do if I don't know if the person "deserves" my love or not. I've also found that some of the moments that have warmed, and healed, my heart the most have been when I've been shown love from someone who didn't even know me.
Sometimes, Therapeutic Thursday may mean paying for the coffee for the people behind me in the Starbucks line. Maybe it will come in the form of flowers and a card on the doorstep of one of my neighbors that I have never met. Perhaps I will pack a picnic lunch, head down to a park, and have lunch with a homeless person. On a cold, rainy day, I may buy an extra cup of coffee and give it to someone, with a hug. (By the way, you would be surprised how many people are receptive to hugs from strangers. It's a free way to put a smile on someone's face, but make sure you ask first, or they might call the cops ;-).) I'm hoping many of you will have your own ideas of what Therapeutic Thursday could look like. The sky is the limit, really. Every Thursday, I will blog about the experience and am hoping that many of you will jump on board and comment about your own experiences. I'd like to show the world that love still abounds and I'd like to inspire us all to make a conscious effort to spread it.
It would mean a lot to me if you would join me on this journey. Do your own deeds of kindness and comment on the Therapeutic Thursday posts with your own stories. If you would like a reminder, comment on this post and I will email or text you (whichever you'd prefer) a reminder every Thursday morning, starting tomorrow. Let's bring some smiles back into this world!
